It really does make me so angry with myself. I know I have stuff to do, most importantly - get a job, but I can't seem to make myself do them. And then, I have to deal with people telling me how I should do this or that and that I just need to motivate myself. How do you do that? How do you motivate yourself? Everyone says that like it's the easiest thing in the world, but it's not, or at least not for me.
I have been thinking a lot about this over the past few months. Trying to figure out why I struggle with getting things completed. And what I've come up with is that I'm scared. I guess a log of people are, but I let it stop me. I'm absolutely terrified of putting myself out there and I'm absolutely terrified of being rejected. Essentially, I would rather do nothing and regret it later in life, than chance putting myself out there and failing at it.
My other half thinks it's because I've never really completed anything, so I don't know the amazing sense of accomplishment that comes with it. That apparently makes it all worth it. I think this is partly true. I think it's just been a very long time since I completed anything that I really really cared about, so I don't remember the feeling of accomplishment. I don't have that to drive me, and I'm willing to give up before I finish something.
Not just big things either, like that novel I started... I have a scarf I've been trying to knit for the past 10 months and I have countless short stories that I've started but never finished it (though that could be due to the fact that I never like the ending ideas).
Perfect example, I just knocked a superhero figurine off the shelf. When I went to pick it up, the base of the figurine was missing... so I picked up the figurine and all the extras and then went and sat down, thinking I'd look for it again later. Now, it's not like I had important work to get back to, I just hit a snag and didn't want to do it any more, so I stopped.
It wasn't until the other half gives me a hard time that I decide to try looking again and manage to find it. Now in retrospect, this is absolutely ridiculous. Why would I stop looking? It could not possibly have gone far and it was a very small space to search, but I just couldn't continue to do it... or rather didn't want to continue.
Now I've never been one for self help books, I always thought that these books were just a scam that told people how to do things that, with a little research and thought, anyone could figure out.
But I'm rethinking this at the moment and I think I might get one. Maybe I can gleam all sorts of initiative and self motivation from this book and magically change my life around and be the inspired girl who gets things done... nobody will be able to keep up with me and I'll make up for the past 15 years of not accomplishing anything.